How to Write a Negative Review

First of all, this isn't a sarcastic post. This isn't a list of things people have done that hurt my feelings. This is serious, possibly misguided advice from a chick who doesn't write a lot of reviews but certainly gets a lot and certainly loves to read them.

And I do. I love reviews. I adore reading them and I adore getting them. It's probably my favorite part of all this, besides getting covers. And obviously I would love if everyone loved my books and they were all positive, but if I had to choose between no reviews and only negative reviews, I would choose the second in a heartbeat, and I am not just saying that. Having people read is incredible. Getting people riled up is incredible. Just knowing that you're not throwing words into a void is incredible. (And yes. I read the reviews. Not all of them; eventually I get bored or I run out of time. It's okay. This will be referenced later.)

In all my review-reading and review-getting, I've come across a lot of negative reviews. When they are not on my own stuff, they are my favorites. Aren't they everyone's? They are the most fun to read.

There's a lot of noise out there about bad reviews. People say you shouldn't write them if you are published or trying to get published. Say something nice or don't say anything at all, etc.

I say that's bullshit. But I also think there are guidelines that can help write a good, constructive, INTERESTING negative review, one that will be the most fun for people to read and the most helpful for people deciding whether or not to read it, and one that can be as absolutely negative as you need it to be without trampling unnecessarily hard on toes.

So yes, review my books! Please! If you so choose, review my books negatively! Review review review and I will love you forever regardless, but I will love you even more if you consider the following guidelines.

1) Don't address your review to anyone. Particularly, do not begin your review "Dear author."

There are a few reasons for this.
a. Your criticism is wasted on us. There is nothing we can do now. The book is out. You have read it. Everyone else who reads it will read it as is. However good your points are, we can't do anything. It is a waste to write to us suggesting improvements on published books. Don't try to do it with your review.
b. Your review is not for us.

This is the reason you should not care that I read my own reviews. Really. I am none of your concern. You are writing for other bloggers and for readers of blogs and for everyone else in the whole world who is not me. Seriously. Write for everyone else. Don't write to me.

(On a similar note, don't send me emails suggesting changes for the books that are out.)

2) Use profanity only one step above the book itself. This means for my books, you can say whatever you want, but if you're reviewing a clean book, stick to "hell" and "damn," maybe? I'm unsure about this point, but keep in mind who's going to be looking up reviews of this book. Do you want them to write you off as vulgar and irrelevant or do you want them to read your review? Eh. I dunno. Just one to think about.

3) Don't try to fix it. By all means point out what's wrong with the book. Point out every single thing. But try to dodge the urge to prescribe a specific solution to a problem with the book. It's pretty impossible for you to casually read a book and come up with the perfect solution, and it makes me respect you as the reviewer if you don't try. Look at the problems with the book and tear them apart and spend time seeing if you can explain what makes them so problematic. This is way more useful to readers and more interesting than watching you try to slap a band-aid over it.

4) Length is your friend. Within reason, the longer the better. I like reviews that link to a review that agrees with them and a review that doesn't at the bottom. I also like negative reviews that make a point of mentioning any good things (if any) that they found in the book. Go the extra mile to make your review well-written and engaging.

5) Blame no one but the author. This is one of the most crucial points, I think.

A lot of reviews blame the editor for problems with a book. I think it's hard for an outsider--meaning, anyone who wasn't the specific author and editor of that book--to see what an editor's role was in the process. (The typos you find in a book? That's something that happened either in copyediting or typesetting, and it isn't the editor's fault, and the author had a chance to catch that and should have done it. That last bit doesn't apply to arcs. They're still being caught at that stage).

You'll see reviews that say "This could have been so good if the editor hadn't tried to dumb it down," or "clearly the writer was forced into writing to fit this trend." Don't. It's our fault. If you have to blame anyone, blame us. You don't know what went on behind the scenes.

On that note...

EDIT: The lovely Jennifer Laughran left a comment so good that I am cut-pasting that bastard right into this post.

"Blame no-one but the author for the CONTENT of the book.

Do NOT blame the author for a) what the packaging looks like, b) where the book was printed, c) who is or isn't on the cover, d) some egregious thing the publisher did, e) some egregious thing the editor did, f) some egregious thing the author's agent did, g) where you can or cannot buy the book, h) that there were no arcs available, or you didn't get one...

or ACTUALLY BASICALLY ANYTHING ELSE to do with the production, packaging, distribution, marketing or publicity surrounding (or NOT surrounding) the book."

Anyone who read my post on my cover a few weeks ago will understand why I agree with this wholeheartedly.

6) Don't make up a backstory. Take the book at face value and as its own entity. Don't try to connect it to issues with the author's personal life or make guesses as to why the author wrote it.

By all means connect the book to what's out there and compare it to other titles. But don't try to make connections to it prior to its existence, you know? Try not to comment on the process of the book's creation--clearly this was written in six days, blah blah--and treat it as a found object.

7) If you didn't read it, walk away. Don't write a negative review of a book you didn't finish. And if you're commenting on someone else's negative review, it's fine to say "Oh, good, now I know not to pick this up." That's fine. It's not fine to help the reviewer or other people in the comments bash the book if you haven't picked it up. You are not the reviewer, you are a commenter. Go bash books you have read.

And a special bonus one for authors writing reviews:

8. Pick on books your own size. More specifically, pick on books A LOT LARGER and that's it. No bashing anyone less famous than you are, ever. If you're in doubt, don't do it. Don't be that guy. Attack the giants or attack not at all.

And do be aware that it really can always bite you in the ass. I mean, so can everything that's worth doing, but don't go about it like an idiot.

So. Those be my thoughts. What do you think?